The Things I Love about Myself that I Don't Always Love about Myself
I am a mercurial person. I’m driven by the whims of the moment. Where the wind blows, I follow. When something captures my attention, I unapologetically pursue it. If I don’t have a game plan, I make one on the fly. I shift and adapt to life’s ever-changing tides and the only consistent thing about me is that I will change my mind, my path, my thoughts, and my direction.
But being mercurial is something I’m only recently beginning to own. Until now, I’ve always felt ashamed of my quickly changing mind. My lack of consistency and outright rejection of routine has often felt like a weakness. I’ve berated myself hundreds of times, wondering why I couldn’t just be satisfied with the status quo. Why couldn’t I just stay still and be contented with life as it is?
I recently watched an Instagram video that helped me reframe that internal shame. In it, a person tells their psychiatrist that they’re sad because they can’t decide what they want for their own life; they are ever-changing. The psychiatrist replies: “Maybe this is you. A person who continuously creates his life, likes to experience new things, and does what he wants. This sounds beautiful to me.”
I sent it to my best friend, Andy, and she responded almost immediately: “Literally you.”
The video made me realize that being mercurial has led me to some of my most incredible experiences. It’s caused me to spontaneously reach out to an artist and end up on a mural in New York City (and then, later, a book cover); it’s made me skip a plane back home after a business trip to take my first solo trip instead; it’s made me leave a job in marketing, without a backup plan or savings, and to trust that I’d land on my feet; it’s made me meet up with a long-time pen pal in Lisbon, Portugal and, two months later, book tickets to Havana, Cuba on a whim.
Being mercurial has helped me live my most free and authentic life. How can I not love that? So in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m celebrating the things I love about myself that I don’t always love about myself.
The things I love about myself that I don’t always love about myself:
I love that I am insatiably curious. I love that I’m always looking for the next big adventure. I love that a conventional life is unappealing to me. I love that I’m committed to growth no matter how heart-wrenching or difficult. I love that I remain open to new experiences no matter how wild and unexpected.
I love that I struggle with sadness. I love that my highs are often followed by lows and that they teach me to appreciate the beauty in life’s contrasts. I love my tears and the emotions they release. I love my anger and the way it invigorates me to stand up for myself and change my own life.
I love that I am emotional. I love that I feel things deeply and take things personally. I love that I get my feelings hurt easily. I love that I am open and vulnerable and soft. I love that I openly share my energy with others. I love that I am forgiving. I love that I believe everyone has the capacity to change and grow.
I love that I am free of form—freeform—and a bit chaotic. I love that being free means frequently wandering. I love that Kafka once said, “I am free and that is why I am lost.” I love that I love that quote.
I’m learning to love myself—the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in-between.
An insatiable curiosity is also my most-of-the-time-but-not-always-favorite thing about myself. Really, really loved reading this piece, thank you for your vulnerability 💚