The Hysterical is Historical
When the past rears its ugly head.
Jeremiah and I are sitting on the front porch, contentedly soaking in the crisp night air. It’s 10 pm, the street is silent, and the streetlights seem to dim and flicker with each passing minute. I turn to Jeremiah to tell him something and my voice abruptly cracks open the silence of the night. Before I can finish my sentence, he quietly whispers “Shhhhh,” gently encouraging me to lower my voice.
“Don’t shush me!” I suddenly snap. “You always tell me to be quiet when I’m not being loud. Plus, you’re the one who wanted to come out onto the porch in the first place! People can’t even hear us! Stop shushing me! It pisses me off when you do that!”
“Sorry,” Jeremiah apologizes, his voice bewildered.
I huff in response, then sit in silence for a while.
After a few minutes, I turn to Jeremiah again.
“I’m sorry. I’m realizing that my reaction wasn’t about you. It was about my ex. He used to criticize me, especially about being too loud. He made me feel like nothing I did was ever right. And he shushed me all the time—at least once a day—which made me feel inadequate and like what I had to say was trivial.”
“The hysterical is historical,” Jeremiah replies good-naturedly.
“The hysterical is historical” I repeat.
We nod and then move on with the night.
The hysterical is historical.
This is a phrase our couple’s therapist taught us a few years ago that has changed my view of my behaviors, thinking patterns, and reactions. In short, it means that when we become hysterical about something—or have an outsized response—it’s usually an indicator that we’re reacting to a historical trauma. For example, if historically your family members always commented negatively about your weight and food choices, then you may become hysterical when someone innocently asks what you had for lunch. The hysterical is historical means that our present emotional reactions often carry the echoes of past experiences and traumas, which shape the way we perceive and respond to current situations.
Yung Pueblo describes this especially well in his book Clarity and Connection:
“the mind attempts to see the world in a way that
affirms its conditioning. our perception takes in the
present by categorizing and understanding what is
happening through its similarity to the past—this
creates a system of repetition that strengthens old
patterns. new events are normally not perceived
in their full clarity because their similarity to past
situations triggers old emotional reactions, which
quickly cloud the mind’s ability to observe what
is happening objectively. we are seeing today and
simultaneously feeling all of our yesterdays.”
But initially, I still didn’t get it. It’s easy to see hysterical reaction as historical when it is not your own. When you are trapped within your own perception of the world, it’s much more difficult to pinpoint, let alone hold yourself accountable for your reactions.
For me, the turning point—or the way I actually “got it”—was when we were watching Couple’s Therapy on Paramount+. If you haven’t watched it, I highly recommend it—it is so, so good and, in many ways, life-changing.
In Episode 7, Dr. Orna Guralnik is working with a couple, Elaine and DeSean. Elaine angrily explains that DeSean has decided to attend the funeral of someone he doesn’t know well. She is extremely upset, as DeSean refuses to get up early on the weekends to spend time with her, and shares “It makes me feel like everyone else has a level of priority in his life that I don’t…You can’t punch somebody in the face and then tell them you love them.”
Dr. Orna jumps on this: “What is the punch? What is the analogy?”
When Elaine answers that DeSean is making her feel this way, Dr. Orna stops her:
“Wait, Elaine — he’s not making you feel this way. He’s not making you feel this way. He’s deciding to do something that he thinks is important. That is not the equivalent of punching you in the face.”
“Perhaps the analogy is a little rough,” Elaine admits.
“It’s not only a little rough, it gives you a direct clue as to where these feelings come from. You’ve described a relationship in which the father of your son was that man.”
You see, Elaine is a survivor of domestic abuse. Elaine’s analogy—comparing DeSean’s decision to attend the funeral to being punched in the face—underscores the connection between her past trauma and her present emotions.
Dr. Orna closes with: “One way to say it is that you’re taking a relatively neutral event and it’s like—I mean, to put it in very blunt terms—your history of trauma is pouring color all over it, on a neutral event. You end up feeling horrible and pushing your partner away. I’m saying this aware of the fact that you’re suffering in this kind of moment is real; you really feel like ‘Oh my God, he’ll do anything for anyone else and not for me. There I am. Nobody cares. I’m not important. I’m alone.’ I understand that that’s your real experience, but I can also see how this is the kind of moment where it’s like your unconscious is just pouring a pile of paint on a neutral canvas.”
Elaine is stunned for a moment. Then she says, “I don’t know how to not paint. I’m not conscious that I’m doing it, so it’s not like I can connect to something to switch it off.” Later she emphasizes: “It’s almost like I have a VHS tape and I can rewind every instance of [when DeSean didn’t value or prioritize me].”
“And the VHS tape is designed to reinforce the feeling that you do not matter,” Dr. Orna replies. “That tape is your enemy. That tape is your prison. That’s history grabbing onto you and not letting you live your current life. You’re such a fierce lioness and you’re forward, forward, forward, but history is catching up with you.”
Elaine sits silently for a moment, then says “Nah. I won’t let it. I won’t let it.”
So how do we know when “the hysterical is historical”? How do we know when our past is clouding our current perception of events? And how do we change our reaction?
Thankfully, there’s a DBT strategy for that. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy—it’s a type of therapy that focuses on mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. I’ve been taking DBT group classes for over a year and when the hysterical is historical, I always try to “Check the Facts”.
“Check the Facts” is a process that helps distinguish between what is happening, what is perceived, and what our emotional reactions are telling us. The very top of the worksheet reinforces this when it states: “Many emotions and actions are set off by our thoughts and interpretations of events, not by the events themselves.”
When starting to use “Check the Facts,” I recommend writing it out. Eventually, you’ll be able to “Check the Facts” in your head but the process of writing can be illuminating and feel a lot more judgment-free. It’s a work in progress, and you won’t catch every moment of when the hysterical is historical, but you’ll start to notice your thoughts, patterns, and limiting beliefs a lot more. And that will give you freedom.
I’ll end with another two quotes from Clarity and Connection:
“many of our emotional reactions do not
have to do with what is currently going on.
they are actually old emotions accumulated
from the past—patterns that arise when
familiar situations appear.”
&
“ask yourself:
is this how i actually feel, or
is this my emotional history
trying to recreate the past?”
What do you think? Does the phrase “the hysterical is historical” resonate with you?
Thank you for reading.
Your presence is a grounding force. xx
What is Exploring Self?
Exploring Self is the documentation of my journey toward self-fulfillment. The posts I publish here on Wednesdays range from personal stories of healing to creative writing to expansion on random thoughts, usually with the aim of better understanding myself and the world. I’m especially interested in how our lives are shaped by outside influences — societal expectations, who others think we are, and often, who we think we “should” be. What does it mean to unravel our lives from “should’ve,” “could’ve,” and “would’ve”? Join me as I explore my self & find out.
This is stunning in its honesty + clarity. Thank you, as always, for having the courage to speak. You are powerful.
Ughhhh this was such a beautiful read 🥹 thank you so much for sharing your artistry!!