How I Want to Feel This Year

*Future voice* Sensational

When you imagine your most fulfilled and actualized self, what image comes to mind? Are you outside, barefoot, with blades of grass tickling your toes? Are you writing in a quiet cafe, taking breaks to people-watch and sip coffee? Are you in the midst of baking a cake for your niece’s birthday? Are you organizing a community event? Are you playing piano in a packed music hall?

How close are you to those dreams? What are you doing, every day, to bring them to fruition?

I ask because this morning, I found a note on my phone that I’d written to myself back in March of 2016. The note asked, “When was the last time you went for something you really wanted, regardless of what others thought?” Even though it was just a single line, it took my breath away.

I’ve spent the majority of my adult life trying to become "aligned with my purpose." I tried job after job, relationship after relationship, location after location. I read books on self-discovery, attended talks on "owning" your life, sat through meditation classes, and journaled my ass off. But what I didn't realize is that I was seeking an identity based on the external. I defined myself by what I was doing (career) and/or what I was attached to (relationships, ideas, etc.). I was living a life that wasn’t truly MINE.

Restarting is a big fear for most of us, especially when it feels like we’re beginning this whole “life’s purpose” thing from scratch. But I’m learning that defining ourselves intentionally, authentically, and honestly is worth the discomfort of starting over. I’ve always struggled with self-trust and allowed fear to hold me back from making fulfilling life decisions. But that doesn’t have to be the way it remains.

So I’m manifesting a year, and a life, of my wildest dreams.

This year…

I want to surrender to self-trust. I want the world to open up to me. I want to experience life beyond my wildest imaginings. I want to prioritize my well-being and joy. I want to wake up and feel overjoyed—astounded!—to be living my life. I want to experience life’s beauty and radiate it back into the world. I want to be a prism and reflect, refract, and spread light.

I want to define myself beyond my career or how society categorizes me or where I live. I want to consider my purpose an amalgam of what makes me laugh and the things that make me feel like light and the people I love. I want to consider myself worthy, even if I’m not doing what I’m “supposed” to do. I want to break through the straight and narrow paths—the “have to”s and “must”s—and leave them behind.

I want to usher in joy and intimacy and honesty. I want to laugh loudly and turn my face toward the sun. I want to constantly express gratitude for the “now”. I want to wake up in the morning and sigh a breath of relief because the life I’m living isn’t a dream, but my daily reality.

“A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself, and only herself.” — Maya Angelou

How do you want to be/feel this year?

Thank you for reading. Your presence is a grounding force. xx

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What is Exploring Self?

Exploring Self is the documentation of my journey toward self-fulfillment. The posts I publish here on Wednesdays range from personal stories of healing to creative writing to expansion on random thoughts, usually with the aim of better understanding myself and the world. I’m especially interested in how our lives are shaped by outside influences — societal expectations, who others think we are, and often, who we think we “should” be. What does it mean to unravel our lives from “should’ve,” “could’ve,” and “would’ve”? Join me as I explore my self & find out.