Exploring Freeing Yourself
And taking ownership of that freed self.
When I was nineteen, I went by myself to get a tattoo. I have no recollection of making an appointment or arriving there or what my tattoo artist looked like. I don’t remember what time it was or why I was back in Rhode Island or where I got the money for a tattoo. Instead, I remember random small things, like choosing a font and the height of the front counter and how cold it felt to lean back against a rubber black bench. I remember being surprised that I would get the tattoo sitting up instead of lying down. I remember the tattoo artist saying “This is a painful place. Let me know if you want a break.” I remember the needle licking into my skin. I remember never asking for a break.
Later that night, a friend’s sister asked me what my new tattoo said and I blanked. I felt my face heat up as I struggled to remember the words I’d had permanently put on my body. I think I motioned for her to read it herself. The tattoo was across my ribcage and I wasn’t wearing a bra—she was incredulous. Later, my friend told me that she thought I was stupid and a slut. I remember shrugging, not sure of what could be done, not sure of how to shrink any smaller.
I don’t think I put much thought into the tattoo, I just knew that I wanted to externalize my pain. I got it after—or maybe it was during, I don’t remember anymore—one of the darkest years of my life. But yesterday, I stepped out of the shower and I saw it again and it stopped me in my tracks. It was like reading it for the first time.
“Freeing yourself is one thing; claiming ownership of that freed self is another.”
It’s a quote from Toni Morrison’s Beloved, modified to be in the present tense. It is tattooed across my ribs. It has guided me even when I didn’t realize it was guiding me.
Today, at thirty, I know and understand that freeing yourself and claiming ownership of that freed self means loving yourself enough to live abundantly. It means expressing yourself vulnerably and authentically. It means seeing your own light, even when it’s dim. It means ignoring the external world’s “should” and “should not”s. It means choosing yourself again and again, even when you don’t want to. It means owning all the parts of you that you do not like and loving them anyway. It means leaning in to joy. It means living the expansive possibilities of your life. It means resting. It means forgiving yourself. It means laughing just as hard as you cry just as loud as you scream just as big as you grin. It means being your own muse. It means trusting that you are the one you have been looking for.
My nineteen-year-old self would be proud of me. That’s a type of freedom, too.
What does freeing yourself mean to you?
Thank you for reading. Your presence is a grounding force. xx
What is Exploring Self?
Exploring Self is the documentation of my journey toward self-fulfillment. The posts I publish here on Wednesdays range from personal stories of healing to creative writing to expansion on random thoughts, usually with the aim of better understanding myself and the world. I’m especially interested in how our lives are shaped by outside influences — societal expectations, who others think we are, and often, who we think we “should” be. What does it mean to unravel our lives from “should’ve,” “could’ve,” and “would’ve”? Join me as I explore my self & find out.